Me

I hate the feeling of having no one to actually talk to…

Ok let me start this off by saying i want kids some day but am i ready to have kids at this time in my life, NO!

It feels like right after high school a bunch of my friends started getting pregnant. I hate how people try and make some moral philosophy for them having a baby at 19. Unless you are a millionaire or are married to one, how the hell are you gonna support yourself, let alone another human being? I just don’t understand how someone can look at having a baby this early in life as a good thing. 

What pisses me off the most is how these girls react to questions about how they are gonna support this baby. Most of the time they make up some philosophy in their head that supports their having a baby. I understand that in life when we make mistakes we first try and make up an excuse for why we are right, but damn when you are going to have a baby you need to snap the Fuck out of that attitude and start thinking about what the hell you are going to do. Over 90% of the girls i know that are having babies are going to live with their parents, i understand why but was this really your dream when you got of high school, to have a baby and live with your parents? 

If your going to have sex BE FUCKING CAREFUL!!!! Why don’t you learn some fucking self control and not drink as much if you know you are horny? Now, if you are a rape victim then i have complete sympathy for you. Rape is just awful and i don’t ever see it as justified and i never will.

Own up to what you do in life.

There is a famous saying that goes something like this, “the more we have in life, the more you have to lose.” Although that statement is true, I think what most people fail to realize is that: the more we have to lose, the more we have to gain and learn. It is in the worst of times in our life that we grow the most. 

Today really has been a lazy ass day. I mean i was supposed to be studying for my exams, but i ended up playing games and watching movies all day. I really dont care that i didnt study, but then again i really never do.  Anyways, i dont care that i didnt study, but I hate being so non-productive. It really amplifies my negative thoughts, especially when all i did was play games. See, it would have been fine if i had hung out with friends or something for the most part of the day, but i didnt. Idk it really just doesnt help out my situation.

Anyways, im really looking forward to being home. I cant wait to be working and actually doing things with friends. Maybe we will all be able to go to the beach or something. Idk its just a thought, but a cool thought at that.

I know i have said it many times, and i really honestly do hate being the person that has to talk about their state of mind on the internet in order to be sane, but it was it is. I think im starting to understand my brain more and more, and the more i do the more im scared of it. I hate my trains of thought most of the time. I over analyze everything, and i rarely ever speak what is on my mind. See, when someone is talking to me and they say something that i have a really strong opinion i rarely speak my mind(unless it is like my best friend), but generally i will say something that either goes along with what they are saying (even though i may not agree with it), or i will say just a small detail of the other side of an issue. Just to stir up the argument if you know what i mean. On many occasions, i have found myself doing this without really knowing that i am doing it. The one thing i hate about my brain the most is the dark trains of thought that i will go down. I have the capability to get lost in multiple trains of thought and go down the good and bad side of each one. When this happens, I really feel like i have taken some hard ass drugs. One time this happened and i was thinking about: losing weight, death, life, and gamma rays all at the same time. I honestly thought about all of this at the same time and the positive and negatives of both. I didnt come back to reality for like 75 mins.

Anyways im hoping that this summer i will be happier, but idk if it will happen. I want it to, but i have my doubts at the same time.